I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
