How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize