you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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