Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
