Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
