I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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