I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
