she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
