Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it's like iHOP with fire
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
