You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
