she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
