I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
