Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize