I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
