I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
