if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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