Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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