I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My ATM looks so different sober.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof