can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.