My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS