What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
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Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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