the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
