Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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