Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
