Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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