Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
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Watching her eat just hurts me
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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