She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
