mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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