She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
