Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
