Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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