Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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