Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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