Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
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We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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