Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
