She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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