No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
