Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
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You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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