Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
