please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
