I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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