I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
