Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
