She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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