When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
