omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sarcasm needs its own font
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
