Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
