I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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