Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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