omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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