you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
