I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
