Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
