last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He has the fingertips of a God
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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