I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
