Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
