Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
