I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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