I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We need a shit load of segways right now
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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